Silly critics. So often, they write beautifully, but when you scratch the surface, you discover that they really have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.
I was recently reminded of Robert Christgau's infamous rating system (an adaption of which is currently in use by at least one other critic I like) when it was helpfully quoted by 43 Folders:
An A+ record is an organically conceived masterpiece that repays prolonged listening with new excitement and insight. It is unlikely to be marred by more than one merely ordinary cut.
An A is a great record both of whose sides offer enduring pleasure and surprise. You should own it.
An A- is a very good record. If one of its sides doesn’t provide intense and consistent satisfaction, then both include several cuts that do.
[… further explanations, then …]
A D+ is an appalling piece of pimpwork or a thoroughly botched token of sincerity.
It is impossible to understand why anyone would buy a D record.
It is impossible to understand why anyone would release a D- record.
It is impossible to understand why anyone would cut an E+ record.
E records are frequently cited as proof that there is no God.
An E- record is an organically conceived masterpiece that repays repeated listening with a sense of horror in the face of the void. It is unlikely to be marred by one listenable cut.
And as I re-read this, I wondered: what does this system really tell us, except for the fact that Christgau has a robust sense of humor and a knack for a memorable turn of phrase?
Robert Christgau's infamous rating system, boiled down to its essence:
An A+ record is a record I love the most.
An A is a record I love a little less than an A+.
An A- is a record I love a little less than an A.
[… further explanations, then …]
A D+ is a record I don't like.
A D is a record I like even less than that.
A D- is a record I like even less than that.
An E+ is a record I like even less than that.
An E is a record I like even less than that.
An E- is a record I like least of all.
I don't know, I guess I desire deeper explanations.
Also, one other question: why stop at E-, Bob? You've got the entire freakin' alphabet to work with.
1 comment:
Like many people, critics know what they like. What sets them apart is the conviction that their opinion matters more than anyone else's. They can't offer the deeper explanations you desire because most of them don't actually know anything about music; unfortunately, this makes them more prone to publish their thoughts, since they don't even know enough to know how foolish they might sound. A more reflective person would be more cautious.
A more thoughtful form of criticism might eschew the traditional grading system in favor of guiding diverse audiences to albums they would like, but haven't stumbled upon yet. But that's a lot of work. Who's going to do it? You?
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